Big changes at SelbySoft – Happy April Fools’ Day

Ok, it’s a day late . . .

Here are some of the exciting changes we are introducing to you!

1)  27 years ago we started to grow clones of our Customer Service Manager, Eric.   Those clones are now of an age that we can send  one to each of our customers.  His only concern in life is to make sure things are going smooth at your store.   We are calling this “Jargoned  Operating  Kernel  Emulation” or J.O.K.E.

2)  We are disconnecting all our phone lines for support.  From now on, they will only answer questions through Facebook messaging.

3)  Our system will now be based on an “app” model and only run on phones and tablets.  To make this as fast as possible, there will only be ONE button allowed. It must be called FOOD/Beverage and  will only accept one price.  We figure this can’t get any simpler.

4) Due to environmental concerns, we will no longer print anything.  We will only telepathically place orders into your staffs mind and receipts into your customers.

5)  Instead of gift cards, we now have a permenant ink barcode system.  Once you apply this to your customers forehead, you never have to worry about buying cards again!

6)  Codes, Swipe Cards and Fingerprint are not secure enough.  From now on, each person will need to voicematch a 32,768 character password before proceeding.   We hope this cuts down on your employee theft.

7)  In an effort to simplify your reporting and make it easy for you to deal with the IRS, all sales numbers can be changed on the fly, we won’t actually track anything.

8)  To make your POS choice easy, we have contracted with the WWE to have a Battle Royale with all our competitors.  Winner takes all.   We are pretty sure we can take them.

9)   We will be sponsoring a “Work the SelbySoft Booth” contest to get our customers to work trade shows for us.  This should result in both cost cutting as well as giving Mike & the guys more time to goof off at shows.

10)  We will be cutting our work week to  one day.  That day will be April 1st.

Happy April Fools’  Day

April 2nd, 2012 by